My five year nephew (H.) got lots of nice (and some expensive) presents for Christmas.  These included a train set, various games and activities involving dinosaurs, and several cuddly toys.  However, his favourite present was the cheapest of the lot: a “pretend poo” (his words) in his stocking from Santa.

He spent the whole of Christmas playing tricks on people when they came to visit … or trying to, anyway: he was generally so excited and eager to tell people “what the cats had done”, that people often guessed what was going on before the denouement.

The poo itself is very realistic-looking, and in my dazed state at 6 or 6.30 in the morning (after an early morning alarm call from H.) I kept getting a shock when I trod on it, or found it perched on the edge of the toilet seat – something that H. found hilarious.

The funniest moment was when his little girlfriend came round to play.  The two of them ran off into his bedroom, and soon we adults in the living room heard much laughter and screaming.  We went into see what was happening, only to find that the poo had been thrown upwards by one of them, and was now stuck to the ceiling!

In fits of giggles we tried to get it down by whacking it with a broom handle, but it refused to unstick itself.  Instead it moved slowly across the ceiling, leaving a slimy, brown trail in its wake.  Eventually we got the poo down, but the stains it left are going to be pretty difficult to remove, and my sister was rather annoyed.  I doubt very much that Santa will be leaving any fake bodily excreta in H.’s stocking next year.