I wrote the post below on Tuesday, straight after the interview.  I published it, then took it down after a bit, as I was feeling awful.  I knew that the lovely people who read this blog would leave kind comments, reassuring words, or gently suggest that perhaps the interview hadn’t gone as badly as I thought.  All the while I would know that it had really been very bad indeed:  I fucked up three out of six questions, managing only to stammer out some complete and utter drivel.

Following the interview, I  fell almost immediately into a kind of mini-depression.  It was really strange.  I don’t normally get depressed - maybe a bit down from time to time - but this was different: I just plunged.  First I felt numb and embarrassed; later, heavy and sluggish.  And very, very low. 

I kept replaying the interview over and over in my head, but this time giving word-perfect answers.  Things got worse later in the afternoon following a call from my manager (the same one who had interviewed me) about an unrelated issue.  A parent had misrepresented something I had said, and made it seem like I had been criticising my manager to her.  Of course, this was not true: how unprofessional would that be?

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Now it’s Sunday, and I am feeling a lot better.  I’m still waking up thinking about what I should have said at the interview, but I don’t feel “depressed” anymore.  I am beginning to thaw.

I spoke to my manager about the incident with the parent, and tried to put my side of the story.

I haven’t officially heard about the job, but I know I haven’t got it, due to various things that have been said.  Frankly, I would be questioning the Trust’s equal opps policies if I did get it!

I also spoke to another SLT, who was on the interview panel.  She reassured me and said that everyone has their bad days, that I should treat it as a learning experience, that they didn’t think I was a bumbling idiot etc. 

The problem is, I am a perfectionist, and I don’t like to get things wrong.  I’ve also only been working in this Trust for a few months.  The questions were easy, and I don’t know why I froze.  The first part of the interview, where I had to give a presentation had gone extremely well. 

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I met up with two speechie friends yesterday (Y and I).  I hadn’t seen them for ages - since Y got married in fact.  It was lovely to see them, and they made me feel a lot better over smoothies and cupcakes in South Kensington.

So, I guess it’s onwards and upwards.  Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise: I have been banging on about wanting to leave speech therapy for ages.  Perhaps if I had got this job it would have sidetracked me from achieving this goal.  Funny though, how not being able to have something makes you want it even more.